10 Months Sober and My Birthday. Damn.

Okay, so here we are - it's May 1st. This is significant because it's my birthday. Yay for me! I'm older now. I might get some frozen yogurt later to celebrate.

Today also marks my 10 months sober. This is my first sober birthday and NONE of my friends have called. Why? Because they're really uncomfortable. How does one party whilst sober? If you ask my friends, the answer is YOU DON'T! Me? I would suggest nachos and Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill.

So, happy freakin' birthday to me. Honestly, I would rather not see them. They're all so understanding without understanding a damn thing. I mean, how's one drink going to hurt? Or one night of drinking? Man, each time I hear that I really want to buy in, to believe that I could just drink with my friends for a night. But I know that once that happens, there will be nothing standing in the way of my alcoholic rational mind from me taking that one night to mean I'm fine so why can't I have a margarita on my own? Or a pitcher. There is no such thing as moderation.

So, what am I doing today? I'm sleeping. I plan to get naked, put aromatherapy stuff on my pillow, and climb between cool sheets. I will lock my door and put on my white noise rainstorm. If anyone tries to call, they will go directly to voicemail because I decided not to charge my cell phone.  When I wake up, I will write and it will be good.

NOT Getting My Drink On

The other day I bought some alcohol free wine (Fre) and mixed it with Sprite for a white trash wine cooler. It had the right feel and filled a gap. The gap is really big right now. I don’t know if it’s the nicer weather, or the fact that I’m raiding and writing more consistently, but I really miss the warm fuzzy  buzz.

I’ve played with variations on Italian cream soda, mixed tonic with cranberry juice or just a squeeze of lime, and been drinking everything out of wine glasses or champagne flutes (Almond Roca syrup with soda water makes a reasonable almond champagne). Still, I miss getting my drink on. It’s not just the taste of a nice wine or the social aspect of drinking with friends. I miss the lack of inhibition and, well, being drunk. You’d think it would be easier the father removed from my last drink I got, but no. In fact, after the first month I was on a euphoric high. Look at me! I am a success story! I took control of my life and am not a loser! I stopped going to AA (I have issues with the higher power thingy and excessive hugging) and compartmentalized my alcoholism. In fact, I shoved it into a little box under the bed and pretended it didn’t exist.

But man do I want a drink. Sure, my writing was sloppy when I was drinking, but it was prolific. Words flowed from my finger tips. Words, often redundant and misspelled, but that wasn’t a big deal because I could always edit tomorrow.

This past month I have missed it all the time. It’s morning and I’m drinking orange juice and 7-Up out of a wine glass. Why? Because it feels luxurious and is an effort to patch up the hole.  Later I’m going to run FL with a pug. The last time I had a good time with that, I was shitfaced on lemonade and EVERCLEAR (yes, I was an idiot). I puked all night in various places and shook for three days. But I had a great time while raiding (horrible dps though) and I was a lot of fun on Vent. That was June 30^th. Technically my sobriety started July 1^st, but I had not made the final decision until July 4^th (my first AA meeting).

So now, here I am, coming on 8 months. I’m not really any stronger or more sure of myself than I was on July 1^st (only now I’m not shaking from alcohol poisoning.) I’m writing and don’t feel I have to rely on the freedom that comes with a  buzz to produce good work, but I still miss it. Well enough of the pity party. I have a deadline to meet.

Alcoholism, Crazy Hot Sex, and Dopamine

Hello random strangers. My name is Avadonja and I am an alcoholic. No, I'm not joking. I've been sober for five months and it was the best decision of my life. And, no surprise to anyone dealing with addiction, the hardest.

The first month was the worst. I would go to AA meetings and sit there crying. I got all sorts of phone numbers that I knew I'd never call, but it was nice to know other people felt as crappy as I did. Misery + company, you know the cliche.

One of the big problems was redefining my life. Everything I did involved a glass of wine or a gin and tonic, margarita (on the rocks, no salt), so co, or whatever. Writing was the hardest of all. Under the influence of glass after glass of wine I was crazy prolific. The buzz loosened me up, made me less inhibited (I'm super uptight, I'm sure you've heard the coal/diamonds adage). My writing was really messy with a lot of repeated words, but it flowed. Stopping drinking stopped my writing. Cold.

Now I had lost two things I loved. I had my month long pity party, got my chip, then never went back to AA. I think what had changed was that I was identifying myself as an alcoholic and not a writer.

I actually wrote Mind, Body, and Spirit as a challenge to myself. To see if I could write sober. More specifically, to see if I could write sex scenes sober (I've mentioned I'm uptight, right?). Good news = I'm still a writer. The writing flowed. I knew the characters and where I wanted the story to go and it went there. The sexual content was super hot and I wrote unabashedly. I felt awesome. Successful. I was proud of my work again.

I have since learned that part of the difficulty in giving up something like drinking is that we view the drink as an award. It comes with a chemical high from our bodies, not counting whatever the alcohol itself provides. That little burst of dopamine that comes with sipping that glass of old vine zin is our brain's version of a kudos. Same happens with infatuation - just thinking of that special someone makes you slightly buzzed. Some people are addicted to new relationships, always chasing that infatuation high. I was/am addicted to alcohol. I love that I also get that happy-buzz from writing. Addiction to writing - I think I  can handle that.

I still struggle, but it's the specific beverages I miss more than the getting my drink on. I also miss the camaraderie that comes with drinking. In regard to World of Warcraft, my dps has improved substantially but Vent is much less interesting when I'm sober. :)