10 Months Sober and My Birthday. Damn.

Okay, so here we are - it's May 1st. This is significant because it's my birthday. Yay for me! I'm older now. I might get some frozen yogurt later to celebrate.

Today also marks my 10 months sober. This is my first sober birthday and NONE of my friends have called. Why? Because they're really uncomfortable. How does one party whilst sober? If you ask my friends, the answer is YOU DON'T! Me? I would suggest nachos and Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill.

So, happy freakin' birthday to me. Honestly, I would rather not see them. They're all so understanding without understanding a damn thing. I mean, how's one drink going to hurt? Or one night of drinking? Man, each time I hear that I really want to buy in, to believe that I could just drink with my friends for a night. But I know that once that happens, there will be nothing standing in the way of my alcoholic rational mind from me taking that one night to mean I'm fine so why can't I have a margarita on my own? Or a pitcher. There is no such thing as moderation.

So, what am I doing today? I'm sleeping. I plan to get naked, put aromatherapy stuff on my pillow, and climb between cool sheets. I will lock my door and put on my white noise rainstorm. If anyone tries to call, they will go directly to voicemail because I decided not to charge my cell phone.  When I wake up, I will write and it will be good.

I'm a Pretty, Pretty Panda

So I took the bait and cleared room on my hard drive to install the beta of Mists of Pandaria. I even, against my better judgement, made myself a panda monk. Why? Because I'm an idiot.

SO MANY PANDAS! Seriously, my computer couldn't take it -- and that was with the graphics on low. I froze and reboot twice. I did get my hand-wraps equipped, but never was able to make it to a training target. Because I care enough, I'll try again on Monday morning when American kids are at school. Of course, the German and Russian kids are in a different time zone, so I'm probably equally screwed but with less English. 

Die frau macht der fussball.  Yep, I remember my 7th grade German enough to be annoying.

Anyhow, my panda. She's cute. People with furry fetishes are going to be all over panda chicks. I assumed she'd be about as sexy as a Tauren, but she's much better -- more on the same level as when Bugs Bunny was in drag.

I have a friend and fellow blogger who plays WoW. She has had a couple kids and struggled with her weight. She enjoys being hot in game. Pandas are not hot unless you have really diverse tastes.

As for me, I'm hot in rl so I don't need my avatar to help me fantasize. In fact, I look just like my blood elf (I'd say a ne, but I don't have the Popeye arms and man hands). That being the case, I wonder why I don't have any dwarf, tauren, or undead toons?

No Photoshop used in this image. None. Zip.

And, just for fun, here's a very pixelated Snickers commercial from a few year back that pops to mind whenever I think of pandas. Enjoy.

Not in the Mood

 I've been charting religious practices, social strata, names, holidays, traditions, etc... in world building within my United Factions, the Allied People's Republic, and the neutral cities of Seraph and Selph within the world of Azuramer. I've also been continuing to work within my two works in progress, Control and Surrender.  I've become a hybrid planner/pantser and I like it.
The problem I'm having is that I'm at the BIG sex scene. You know, the genre required scene toward the climax (he he) of the story where the couple realize it's true love, etc... These scenes have never really been a challenge. Once I get my writing groove on, the scene flows. Yes, I have some tidying to do, but in all the scenes are well written and get the intended emotional content across. And, I shouldn't have to mention, they're hot.

This is my problem right now. My real world influences have been decidedly not hot. Life is, well, life. I've been sick with an upper respiratory thingy (not hot), I'm broke (not hot), and work is crazy. To top it all, I recently watched Bridesmaids. While I really enjoyed the film, the residual imagery it left with me has made sexual content really laughable. I am not able to suspend disbelief long enough to allow a mood to establish.

So I'm stuck on my w.i.p., unable to finish the scene. Since a big part of my process is seat of my pants, I can't just write the last scene and be secure in the knowledge it will be the organic extension of their sexual moment of clarity.

To add insult to injury, I Googled "romantic imagery" for this blog, and this was the 2nd image suggested.  WTF? Thanks Google, I needed the help to be not turned on.

What’s in a Name?

What’s in a Name? A lot.

I wrote Mind, Body, and Spirit as a stand alone. That gave me so much freedom. The world creating, details about culture – I could just throw things in to land where they may. Writing follow up stories in the same word? Now I have to think about it. I even have to draw a map (I admit it; I have already drawn a map).

When I started writing Control, I made a table to lay out how each magic user actually used magic. Mages manipulate molecules, primarily through academics. Warlocks have links to the soul, it’s almost parasitic. Druids tie in to ley lines and rely on the balance of nature. Yes, I have more details than this, but they’re not relative to this post. The point here is that planning is now required. Structure. I don’t respond well to limits.

One of my biggest obstacles now are character names. I can’t just flippantly choose something that sounds cool. I can no longer just throw in a random apostrophe or replace vowels with the letter ‘y’ simply because it looks neat. No thinly veiled references to Arthurian legend (which are fine when the story itself has something to do with said legend). I have to consider the rules for naming, masculine and feminine, in the elvin cultures. Actual thought is required. Damn it.

I have already (and thoughtlessly) named Evanesse and Malccino. That sets the precedent of names ending in ‘o’ being masculine. It’s not a far reach from our own western culture naming habits. My sun elf bad guy, Thassian, is from a different culture and will have slightly different norms. In Control, my main male is sun elf – his name has to follow similar structure. I had named him Torvyn, but it was just because it looked neat. I haven’t ruled it out, but it has to fit the rule book for the culture.

In Surrender, my elf rogue was named Cagasi. Not only was this hard on the eyes (an ‘a’ followed by ‘g’ followed by ‘a’), it ends in a long ‘i’ sound. Is that within the parameters for elvin male names? That problem is that I don’t know the answer to that question – and it’s something I should know. It’s something most fantasy writers have plotted long before they start their writing. I am an romance writer who threw on some magic sauce, so this is a learning experience.

I am looking forward to this becoming so second nature, the world so fully fleshed out, that I can screw with it. Once the world norms are set in stone, I can joke with my readers. I might throw out elvin equivalents to Apple or Ochocinco and my readers will realize they’re anomalies.

Nothing New Under the Sun

Laura Kaye's Hearts in Darkness is one of my favorite books, with Caden one of my favorite heroes. I have since read her other works. I just finished In Service of the King. Though I'm not into vampires, I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys erotic paranormal romance. It threw me, though, because in her created vampire lore, when vampires mate they get a mark, a tattoo, as a visible sign of the spiritual connection.

I did the same thing in my novella, Mind, Body, and Spirit.

As soon as I read that, I put down my Kindle and checked the publication date. Her book came out a month after mine which means there was no way I could have copied that detail.

I had another moment of panic a month or so ago when I read Zoe Archer's Rebel. In the big, meaningful sex scene where they both realize they are meant to be together (one exists in every romance), it is from behind with some hair pulling involved. Slightly animalistic (which makes sense since Lesperance is a shifter). My final big "You are mine" scene had a very similar choreography.  This bothered me a little, but not too much since, in sex, there are three basic positions and the chances of having the same sequence of events are high.


But mating tattoos? What are the chances? I really thought my story device was original. I happen to really like ink and carried that through into my story. Kaye must like it too (Caden). I just have to tell myself that great minds think alike, right?  The only thing that irks is that she did it better than me. :)

NOT Getting My Drink On

The other day I bought some alcohol free wine (Fre) and mixed it with Sprite for a white trash wine cooler. It had the right feel and filled a gap. The gap is really big right now. I don’t know if it’s the nicer weather, or the fact that I’m raiding and writing more consistently, but I really miss the warm fuzzy  buzz.

I’ve played with variations on Italian cream soda, mixed tonic with cranberry juice or just a squeeze of lime, and been drinking everything out of wine glasses or champagne flutes (Almond Roca syrup with soda water makes a reasonable almond champagne). Still, I miss getting my drink on. It’s not just the taste of a nice wine or the social aspect of drinking with friends. I miss the lack of inhibition and, well, being drunk. You’d think it would be easier the father removed from my last drink I got, but no. In fact, after the first month I was on a euphoric high. Look at me! I am a success story! I took control of my life and am not a loser! I stopped going to AA (I have issues with the higher power thingy and excessive hugging) and compartmentalized my alcoholism. In fact, I shoved it into a little box under the bed and pretended it didn’t exist.

But man do I want a drink. Sure, my writing was sloppy when I was drinking, but it was prolific. Words flowed from my finger tips. Words, often redundant and misspelled, but that wasn’t a big deal because I could always edit tomorrow.

This past month I have missed it all the time. It’s morning and I’m drinking orange juice and 7-Up out of a wine glass. Why? Because it feels luxurious and is an effort to patch up the hole.  Later I’m going to run FL with a pug. The last time I had a good time with that, I was shitfaced on lemonade and EVERCLEAR (yes, I was an idiot). I puked all night in various places and shook for three days. But I had a great time while raiding (horrible dps though) and I was a lot of fun on Vent. That was June 30^th. Technically my sobriety started July 1^st, but I had not made the final decision until July 4^th (my first AA meeting).

So now, here I am, coming on 8 months. I’m not really any stronger or more sure of myself than I was on July 1^st (only now I’m not shaking from alcohol poisoning.) I’m writing and don’t feel I have to rely on the freedom that comes with a  buzz to produce good work, but I still miss it. Well enough of the pity party. I have a deadline to meet.

Sucktastic

I've been frustrated with the way my guild crashed and died. That, coupled with my lack of time in general, has meant less WoW time. I don't even know my main's hot keys any more. My other 85's are too undergeared to run the new content. Ach whore that I am, my ineptitude shouldn't be a reason not to play. I mean, I can still do stupid things like fish, right?

Dark Moon fair was my only glimmer of hope, but any pay off from that is way off. As a result, I'm bummed about WoW. And, on top of it, I suck. Even sober. Maybe if I got my drink on, I'd remember all the content that I blurred through in a happy buzz. Or not. Today I ran a low level raid w/a friend and just was a spas. Seriously. And, besides dying, I couldn't find my way back to the instance. Repeatedly.

This inspired the blog title, sucktastic. I think that sums up my playing ability. Screw the new raids, I can't even do lowbie ones. How do I fix this? Start to care again? Join my friends on Star Wars instead? No -- I'm jumping back into dailies to relearn my toons. The good news? I'll get a lot of leather out of it.

Sad, really. I'm much better at writing about WoW than playing it.

How's your day?