The other day I bought some alcohol free wine (Fre) and mixed it with Sprite for a white trash wine cooler. It had the right feel and filled a gap. The gap is really big right now. I don’t know if it’s the nicer weather, or the fact that I’m raiding and writing more consistently, but I really miss the warm fuzzy buzz.
I’ve played with variations on Italian cream soda, mixed tonic with cranberry juice or just a squeeze of lime, and been drinking everything out of wine glasses or champagne flutes (Almond Roca syrup with soda water makes a reasonable almond champagne). Still, I miss getting my drink on. It’s not just the taste of a nice wine or the social aspect of drinking with friends. I miss the lack of inhibition and, well, being drunk. You’d think it would be easier the father removed from my last drink I got, but no. In fact, after the first month I was on a euphoric high. Look at me! I am a success story! I took control of my life and am not a loser! I stopped going to AA (I have issues with the higher power thingy and excessive hugging) and compartmentalized my alcoholism. In fact, I shoved it into a little box under the bed and pretended it didn’t exist.
But man do I want a drink. Sure, my writing was sloppy when I was drinking, but it was prolific. Words flowed from my finger tips. Words, often redundant and misspelled, but that wasn’t a big deal because I could always edit tomorrow.
This past month I have missed it all the time. It’s morning and I’m drinking orange juice and 7-Up out of a wine glass. Why? Because it feels luxurious and is an effort to patch up the hole. Later I’m going to run FL with a pug. The last time I had a good time with that, I was shitfaced on lemonade and EVERCLEAR (yes, I was an idiot). I puked all night in various places and shook for three days. But I had a great time while raiding (horrible dps though) and I was a lot of fun on Vent. That was June 30th. Technically my sobriety started July 1st, but I had not made the final decision until July 4th (my first AA meeting).
So now, here I am, coming on 8 months. I’m not really any stronger or more sure of myself than I was on July 1st (only now I’m not shaking from alcohol poisoning.) I’m writing and don’t feel I have to rely on the freedom that comes with a buzz to produce good work, but I still miss it. Well enough of the pity party. I have a deadline to meet.