50 Shades of Meh

Yes, I read the book. I had to - the hype made me feel like I was out of the know. So I read it. I had heard many things, good and bad. And, since I have nothing better to talk about today, I will address them.

1. I'd heard it was poorly written. I disagree. It's written in first person point of view, so everything is from the main character's perspective. It's conversational and, at times, train of thought. It works for what it is. Overall, I enjoyed the read and never got taken out of the story by problems with the quality of writing.

2. It's like Twilight for adults. Okay, well, the female lead is lacking a strong personality in the same every-girl way of Bella. In fact, I don't even remember her name or what she looks like (I remember her outfits though - weird). Christian, on the other hand, is really fleshed out (insert naughty laugh here). In a way it makes sense. It's from the 1st person  and Christian, like Edward, is the object of the heroine's obsession. Both Christian and Edward stalk their female. Both are a super man in every regard, but emotionally distant.  I've heard rumors that this started at fan fiction, but I'm not interested enough to confirm.

3. It's about corrupting innocence. I disagree. Female lead jumps into feet first. Why? Because she's never been aroused before. Christian, once he finds out the scale of her innocence, it reticent about said corruption. Her virginity wasn't a big deal to her, so therefore not a big deal in the scheme of things. Now, if she was a nun who was a virgin based on the dictates of her conscience and he broke her down, that would be different.

4. It's a romance novel, not literature. Okay, well, I think romance novels are a form of literature, so there. However, romance genre fiction is qualified in part by having an emotionally satisfying happy ending where the good guys are rewarded and the bad guys are punished. Fifty Shades does not meet that standard. The series as a whole might, but I'm not interested enough in spending the money to find out.

Yes, the book is steamy. There are sections that I really enjoyed. I find nothing appalling about a little rough sex or even some light bondage. I do draw the line at actual pain for pain's sake. Yes, I understand that pain and pleasure are part of the same family, just in extreme forms -- that doesn't mean I secretly long for a spanking. If the reader is cringing and/or wincing during scenes that are supposed to be hot, it takes the reader out of the moment and breaks from the story. In that, the book should have stayed classified as BDSM erotica and not mainstream.

As to the idea of a movie, I cannot see it being anything other than a porn because it's all about sex. Picture the remake of the Thomas Crown Affair but without the side plot of the art theft. Plus, I kept seeing Christian Bale as he was in American Psycho.

So my overall opinion of Fifty Shades -- it was fine. I read it, was intrigued by it as much as any romance novel. I'm not addicted. I also will not be requesting to be tied up with a tie any time soon. Probably.

Porn is NOT an Instruction Manual

I was telling a friend about my blog post about how guys should read romance in order to learn from it. She busted up laughing and proceeded to tell me about some ex-boyfriends and her friend's ex-boyfriends that learned all they needed from porn.

Edited for your innocence.

That means they thought shooting their load (I almost said 'ejaculated' but it sounded so clinical) all over the woman's chest was hot. They also thought switching positions multiple times was a good way to establish the rhythm necessary to give their cooperative woman pleasure. I bet they even turned their head to the side slightly when going down just so the imaginary camera could get a good shot.

Seriously guys, pornos are made for you, for your fantasy. Women, if you want them to get something out of the experience, need a little more finesse and a little less showmanship. Romance novels always talk about the 'responsive lover,' the man who reads the woman's physical queues and acts accordingly. Do this. And don't tell me that they're hard to read. The one time something when near the back door, my physical queue was to tense up my whole body, clamp everything shut, and yell, "Hell no!." It was pretty obvious. Likewise, I will even verbally encourage certain acts or move the hand to the right place.  When the woman says, "Yes, that's perfect. Don't stop," that means keep doing what you're doing.

Don't be too insecure to ask if things are going well. If she's into it, she's more likely to want it to happen again later. If she's exhausted from your porno inspired acrobatics she might not ever initiate.

And, if you want to read a short but sexy romance novel just to find out what it's all about, check out Mind, Body, and Spirit at Amazon.com